Cunning Lingus

Today I found out that I have just passed my exams in Norwegian at Oslo university. These were at the highest level possible in a tiered system after I somewhat over performed in the entrance exam. Norwegian is a tricky language to get your tongue around and I spent the next few months feigning deficient hearing on the numerous occasions that lecturers posed their questions too rapidly. My early sneaky attempts of actually speaking English in a pesudo-Nordic accent which is actually best described as an approximation of a post coital muppet, were also soon uncovered.

The written exam was a mind boggling non-stop four hours, that's two hundred and fourty minutes, that's a sixth of an entire day! During which time I consumed a whole flask of espresso coffee (the exam began at half eight in the morning and thus got going before I could, which is rare.) Apropos coffee quantities, as any athlete will tell you one needs to consume vast amounts of liquid when sweating a great deal. Such a caffeine overload caused my my mind and body to go out of synch and I felt rather like I was dogging bullets in the Matrix.

In preparation for such a long exam, an inordinate amount of time went into planning my exam menu. Along with the other contestants, competitors, compatriots, condemned (what is the collective noun for the potential vic-tims/ vic-tors held captive in these circumstances?).. I would be captive throughout brunch and lunch. Anyhow I digress, a few fellow candidates appeared confused upon seeing yours truly seated with an array of snacks (including significant body parts of a cooked chicken), and nearly mistook my desk and its array of snacks for the buffet table and I, the buffet master. (You can never have enough finger food is my motto.)

As to the test itself, the unseen contemporary essay question had been a thorn in my side, unbidden I can waffle in impressive detail about a number of current affairs. Example essay questions however had enabled me to do nothing more than expose the depths of my ignorance in seeming every field chosen rather than showcase any linguistic abilities. On the day, the set essay question, roughly translated (something I now feel qualified to do) went as follows:

The recent gender neutral marriage law enables homosexuals to enter a marriage. Discuss its relevance and importance for homosexuals and equal opportunities as a whole.

Suffice to say, my ungrounded fears of performance anxiety left me, although this was to be done in a foreign tongue, a cunning lingus if you will. As any self respecting lesbian would...I took a deep breath and dived in.

Getting my fix of coffee shop addiction

A café in Bordeaux, where I was hanging out last month
Latte in hand, basking on a café terrasse in the Nordic sun, striking a balance between watching and ignoring fellow coffee-drinkers I mused on why coffee tastes better on a terrasse in public to at home. A professional coffee machine is a recent addition to our household, yet still it's not a patch with hanging out in cafés.

A very tedious job I once held was endurable thanks to a completely authentic Italian-run café opposite where I would replenish all my reserves. Had the café ever shut down I would have quite simply have had to leave my job immediately and cite my reasons for doing so.

Years of being a student nurtured a full-blown coffee addiction. This has developed over the years to become, rather more specifically, a café addiction. It's the venues as much as the toxin that I need to get my fix of. I am, I confess, a coffee voyeur...or is it coffee exhibitionist?

There is, I feel, a sort of complicit sorority within those in a café. And a subtle one at that- too overt and it is ruined. Should a discrete half smile at another become a full-blown gurning contest then the people in white coats are not far off. Likewise, everyone half attends to others' conversations in cafés but very few interject. All this is the fine line between companionship and creating and atmosphere and trampling over others' toes. This delicate balance is seductive: tuning in and out of other's conversations and taking in the view, there exists a sort of solidarity built out of roasted coffee beans and half-baked dreams.